When dealing with the realization that you might not have the one thing you have always wanted it can make you a little depressed and well feel like you’re alone. Since I found out that it was going to be nothing but difficult for us to have a child I have been in a very dark place. I am usually a cheerful person and very positive but over the past few months I have not been myself. I have my good days and my bad ones. I have so many friends and family that have been so supportive and positive for Mike and I. Thank you to every single one you…I really do love you for that. But I can’t help but ask why us? What is the point behind this? I am a very religious person and have a strong relationship with God. I have always been so faithful but lately I just feel like I have been smacked in the face a few too many times.
Growing Baby Bumps…Please don’t read this the wrong way, I am extremely joyful and happy that there are so many people that I know who are expecting, but seriously how many growing baby bumps must surround me? I feel like that God has a sense of humor that I will never understand. In the past six months I have learned that 25 people that I know are expecting and all of them live here in Colorado. I can’t express this enough that I am very, very happy for each of these women and all of you are going to make wonderful mothers; but inside all I want to do is cry and stomp my feet. I hear all about the growing babies, the morning sickness, the kicks, the unwanted stretch marks (please don’t think that I don’t want to hear those things because that isn’t the issue) and it makes me question if I will ever get to be that person. I guess you could say that I am jealous. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I can’t help but think that we might very well be that couple that fertility treatments won’t work for us. As a woman, how do you deal with that? How to you accept the factor that you might not be a mommy? How do you move on from the reality that you aren’t going to care for a child? How do you let go of the dream of seeing that first ultrasound and guessing if it is going to be a boy or girl? How?
I don’t know if women who have had issues conceiving wonder about their future sixty years from now…but I do. Will I have grandchildren? Will I have lived a life full of memories of watching my children grow up?
I know there are other options out there for having a child? I know we can adopt or use a surrogate but these are all options that I am not willing to look into right now. I want to create a child with my husband; I want to feel that baby grow inside of me. I want to experience the pain of childbirth. I know, I know you all are thinking that I am crazy about that last one! I want to experience life being created…what women were created to do.
Dealing with this fertility issue is so different for me than it is for my husband. I don’t really think guys grow up wanting to be a mommy. Mike wants to be a dad and can’t wait but; not the same way that I want to be a mom. Mike loves me and he knows that I am upset over these issues, but I don’t think he knows the pain I feel sometimes. I don’t think anyone will completely understand 100% of how I feel except for those who have had to wear the shoes of infertility. I feel more alone than ever, yet I have so many people who are supporting me. It is almost like I am outside looking in.
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