Dream's Do Come True!

It has always been a dream of mine to be a mommy.  To have a little boy look up at me and say "I love you momma."

I remember it was April 2010 and I was sitting in the doctors office tapping my foot, waiting for the doctor to return to the room with the test results regarding my fertility.  The doctor's news wasn't the best news, but she was confident that  Mike and I would one day have a baby.  I on the other hand, had very little hope.  Mike and I would spend the next few months at doctor's appointments and undergoing testing to determine the best route to have a little bundle of joy.  We had our first IUI scheduled for October 2010.

I'll flash forward to August 2010.  It was an early morning on a Thursday.  I wasn't feeling well.  I was tired and moody.  I decided that it might be a good idea to take a pregnancy test.  It just so happened that I had an extra pregnancy test laying around the house.  Let's just be honest people, if I could have bought pregnancy tests in bulk at Costco, I would have.  I would take a test two days before I was even late.  Anyways, I decided to take it, sure enough at 5:23 a.m. there were two pink lines on the stick.  I remember I had to call my mom and ask her what a positive pregnancy test looks like.  I called Mike minutes after and let him that we were pregnant.  I was in shock and I was so excited.  I spent the next 48 hours at the fertility office having blood tests done to make sure my Hcg numbers were increasing.  We'll just say they were so high the doctor suspected twins.

I spent the next nine months, watching my belly grow.  I didn't have the easiest pregnancy, but I cherished every uncomfortable moment, pre-term labor scare and sleepless nights that I encountered.  I craved chocolate milk shakes and french fries and could lay on the couch and watch my belly move for hours.  I loved going to the doctor and seeing my little boy move on the screen.  The sound of his heart beat was heaven.

It was Friday, April 22nd, 2011.  I had decided to work up until my due date, which was May 3rd.  I kept telling Landen to just give me until the end of the day April 22nd to make his appearance so I could make sure everything was in order at work.  Sure enough all during that day I was having dull contractions.  I would rub my belly and tell Landen to be patient and that I just needed a few more hours.  I called Mike and Nee Nee (my mom) on my way home from work and stated that I think today was the day and that we needed to go to the doctor.  Mike rushed home and my mom rushed to the hospital to meet us there.  Me being the person I am, I stopped by the nail salon and had a pedi and mani.  What woman can go and deliver her baby without perfect toes and fingers.  I know crazy, right?

It was around 7pm on April 22nd when I was admitted to Sky Ridge Medical Center.  I was 3cm dilated.  I couldn't believe it.  I was going to be holding this miracle, the little boy I had been praying for, the last two years in just a few hours.  Or so I thought!!!

April 23, 2011- After 26 hours of labor, 3 1/2 hours of pushing and an emergency c-section.  Mike and I welcomed Landen Ryker Clark into this world.  I remember his sweet little cry like it was yesterday.  I was on so much pain medicine, but I still remember that sweet little face looking at me.  I was finally a mommy. 

On April 23, 2011 my life changed forever.  I was not only a career driven woman, a friend, a daughter and a wife.  I was a mommy to an incredible little boy.

It's hard to believe that the last year has flown by.  People have told me that they grow up too fast and until you are a parent you have no idea.  I have enjoyed watching Landen grow.  It is bittersweet though.  As Landen gets bigger my heart is overjoyed that he is thriving but everyday he becomes more and more independent.  He truly is a sweet, happy little boy.

There are still mornings that I wake up and I still can't believe that I am a mommy to a sweet little boy.  Landen has made this last year one of the most incredible years of my life.

I am so very happy that tomorrow we will be celebrating the one miracle that I never thought I would have.  Landen has been a dream fulfilled.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET BOY!!!!

Emergency Room or Fertility Specialist…

I think it was May 3, 2010 I could be wrong because I have tried to block that date out of my mind. I wanted to make sure to share this little story because it really is funny now that I look back on it. Finally I had arrived to the date that we were going to get to see the fertility specialist and have a game plan of how I was going to get pregnant and defeat the PCOS. It all started the night before when Mike was asleep on the couch coughing. My husband coughs before he is going to throw up. So I woke him up and asked if he felt ok, and he told me that his stomach hurt and wasn’t sure. So, I grabbed the bathroom trashcan and put it by his head just in case, kissed him on the forehead and went to bed. It was around 1am when I heard him coughing. I got out of bed and found Mike in the bathroom praying to the porcelain god. Now, now I know why Mike was puking, but at the request of my husband I am going to keep that to myself. I asked him if he needed anything and went back to bed. I love Mike, but when he vomits it is the most annoying thing I have ever experienced so I slept with my iPod in that night.

I woke up the next morning and went for a run because Mike was still not mobile on the couch at that time. I told Mike that we had to leave at 7:15 am to make it to the specialist office by 8:15 am. I asked him to shower because he was not presentable to go and meet Colorado’s number one Fertility Specialist. Anyways, we got in the car and headed to Boulder for the appointment. Mike requested that I stop and get some crackers and water and me being the nice wife I am, I stopped. I got back in the car and Mike was throwing up. I was so mad at this point. So before everyone thinks I am the wicked wife of the west, Mike was sick due to his own decisions of what he ate and drank the night before. I should have known that he would do something to make himself sick…this was just my luck. I can’t tell you how furious I was that he ate and drank all that crap and made himself sick and now the appointment I had been waiting for was going to be cancelled. Mike assured me that he was fine and to continue to Boulder. I got onto I-25 and headed to my destination only for Mike to look at me with complete fear in his eyes. His joints started to lock up and he thought that he needed to go to the Emergency Room. I called the fertility specialist and right as I called to cancel Mike said that he was ok to go. But then he blacked out. Well by this time I am so scared and smacking my husband in the face to wake him up that I took the next exit off the highway and head back to A-Town. I can’t even tell you what was going through my mind at the time. I called my mom and asked her to meet me at the Medical Center of Aurora because there was something seriously wrong with Mike. I ran every red light that day to get him to the hospital.

We got to the ER and Mike was taken back right away. They pumped him up with fluids and nausea medicine. It turned out that he was dehydrated from the series of vomiting episodes he had the night before. I wrote a check for $250 that day. That check should have been written to my fertility specialist instead. (Yes Fertility Specialists aren’t cheap.) I was glad Mike was ok, but really mad that he chose to eat and drink all that junk that made him so sick. I took Mike home and made him chicken noodle soup and put him on the couch with x-box controller. He was a happy camper. Mike felt bad but he said we would get another appointment. I couldn’t help but cry quietly after having to put my baby hopes again on the back burner until the next time I could get an appointment. I obviously chose the Emergency Room because without a husband no baby right?

Questions and Baby Bumps

When dealing with the realization that you might not have the one thing you have always wanted it can make you a little depressed and well feel like you’re alone. Since I found out that it was going to be nothing but difficult for us to have a child I have been in a very dark place. I am usually a cheerful person and very positive but over the past few months I have not been myself. I have my good days and my bad ones. I have so many friends and family that have been so supportive and positive for Mike and I. Thank you to every single one you…I really do love you for that. But I can’t help but ask why us? What is the point behind this? I am a very religious person and have a strong relationship with God. I have always been so faithful but lately I just feel like I have been smacked in the face a few too many times.

Growing Baby Bumps…Please don’t read this the wrong way, I am extremely joyful and happy that there are so many people that I know who are expecting, but seriously how many growing baby bumps must surround me? I feel like that God has a sense of humor that I will never understand. In the past six months I have learned that 25 people that I know are expecting and all of them live here in Colorado. I can’t express this enough that I am very, very happy for each of these women and all of you are going to make wonderful mothers; but inside all I want to do is cry and stomp my feet. I hear all about the growing babies, the morning sickness, the kicks, the unwanted stretch marks (please don’t think that I don’t want to hear those things because that isn’t the issue) and it makes me question if I will ever get to be that person. I guess you could say that I am jealous. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I can’t help but think that we might very well be that couple that fertility treatments won’t work for us. As a woman, how do you deal with that? How to you accept the factor that you might not be a mommy? How do you move on from the reality that you aren’t going to care for a child? How do you let go of the dream of seeing that first ultrasound and guessing if it is going to be a boy or girl? How?

I don’t know if women who have had issues conceiving wonder about their future sixty years from now…but I do. Will I have grandchildren? Will I have lived a life full of memories of watching my children grow up?

I know there are other options out there for having a child? I know we can adopt or use a surrogate but these are all options that I am not willing to look into right now. I want to create a child with my husband; I want to feel that baby grow inside of me. I want to experience the pain of childbirth. I know, I know you all are thinking that I am crazy about that last one! I want to experience life being created…what women were created to do.

Dealing with this fertility issue is so different for me than it is for my husband. I don’t really think guys grow up wanting to be a mommy. Mike wants to be a dad and can’t wait but; not the same way that I want to be a mom. Mike loves me and he knows that I am upset over these issues, but I don’t think he knows the pain I feel sometimes. I don’t think anyone will completely understand 100% of how I feel except for those who have had to wear the shoes of infertility. I feel more alone than ever, yet I have so many people who are supporting me. It is almost like I am outside looking in.

Working through the News and a Coach Purse!

After I found out that the possibility of having children was going to be difficult I was devastated. I remember going into my friend Lauren’s office and telling her the news that I just found out. I couldn’t help but cry. Lauren just looked at me and said “I am so sorry, Court. You and Mike are suppose to have kids whether you have one or adopt one. I can’t see you guys any other way.” I sat in her office for a good twenty minutes trying to digest the news I just got.

I went home that night and buried my head in Mike’s chest and just cried. Was this really the road we were going to have to travel? Were we going to have to be the couple that has to pay to have a child? I was so sick to my stomach, I can remember that night so clear and how heartbroken I was. Mike assured me that we would have a child. Me being the Negative Nancy I can be didn’t want to believe it. Honestly, I wanted to give up right then and there. I was done. If God didn’t want me to experience the Joy of being a mother and I would be the one having to go through all the tests and waiting game I wanted to stop the baby making process there. We would just be the couple without kids. I was pretty much depressed. I must say I had a two year old temper tantrum that day. Mike just looked at me with the look that I am being over dramatic. He kept telling me it would work out the way God wants to work it out.

I spent the next few days numb to the world. These fertility problems threw off my life plan. What was I going to do, what if fertility didn’t work for us? After discussing with Mike the fertility specialists we decided to put our names on the waiting list. I put my name on the waiting list and got an appointment for the end of May. I as determined to go on with life until that appointment. It was a few days before my Birthday when a special delivery showed up at my office for me. I remember walking up there only to find a Coach Box. Now, I have always been a person to buy fake Coach Purses and never have a real one. Enclosed in the box there was a note that stated “When every I get bad news, a Coach Purse always makes me smile. From-a person who loves Coach.” I opened that box and yes ladies a Coach Purse sat there nicely wrapped in purple paper. I knew right away who got me the Coach Purse, it was Lauren. I ran back to Lauren’s office and thanked her a million times. That was the first time in days that I really had a smile on my face. Coach really does make a girl smile!

I Wanted Answers, Just not Those Answers

It was time, my first OBGYN appointment. I took a day off of work and decided to make a day of this appointment. I asked my mom to go with me in case there were questions I forgot to ask. As of the date in April, I still had not had a period since December. By this time I swore off home pregnancy tests and decided that the pregnancy test market was just trying to rip me off. My mom and I had a nice lunch before my appointment. We drove to Sky Ridge Medical Center where my OBGYN was located, and I was nervous and excited. I won’t lie to you…deep down inside I thought maybe this doctor was going to tell me that we were expecting. Maybe the fears of Mike and I having fertility problems was just all in my head. I hoped that would be the case. It was just a fear.

When we arrived to the doctor’s office I did the paperwork and checked in. I sat in the waiting room with my mom and we just talked about how much fun it was going to be once I got pregnant. They called my name after about ten minutes of waiting. We went on back. The nurse asked me about why I was there. I stated that my husband and I were trying to get pregnant and had been unsuccessful. I told the nurse that understood that it takes about a year to conceive and we had only been trying for about eight months at the time of this appointment, but my periods were irregular and that is what was concerning me. I must state that I was super prepared for this appointment, like I am with everything else in my life. I had my cycle lengths typed up, the last two years of exams and blood work from my PCP for the OBGYN. The nurse was very impressed.

So the nurse asked me if I was pregnant. I looked at her and told her that I didn’t take pregnancy tests anyone so I wasn’t sure. She handed me a cup and showed me where the rest room was. I returned to the exam room and my mom and I continued to talk about the future. The nurse returned and said “Sorry honey you’re not pregnant.” Tears immediately filled my eyes and I just started to cry. The nurse came over and gave me a hug. I so badly wanted that test to be positive and I could walk out of there feeling better, but that wasn’t the plan. My mom got up and hugged me to. The doctor came in and hugged me as well. It was hugs all around. She stated that she would have me pregnant soon…she promised. The doctor was great. She went over how the women’s body works and the tests that she wanted to run. She also wanted Mike to do one test as well (I will get to that one later ). She told me that CCRM (Colorado Clinic for Reproductive Medicine) is the best fertility specialists in Colorado and if she couldn’t help me they could. She sent me on my way with marching orders for blood tests and prenatal pills. She told me to she would call me with the test results soon.

The next few days would be a waiting game. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to know what was going on with my body. The doctor finally called me and stated that she believed that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). She stated that it is a syndrome that doesn’t allow you to ovulate. She suggested that I call CCRM. I am thinking great. I do have fertility issues. I decided not to jump the gun and to wait to hear back on Mike’s tests results before I made any phone calls.

Mike had to do a test where they check is little swimmer count. My husband is such a trooper and did the test despite the embarrassment or how uncomfortable the test would be. I won’t get into test details…so if you want to know what the sperm test is….there is a little search engine called Google. I am sure Google can inform you of the testing procedure. Anyways, Mike called me on a Friday afternoon and said that he wanted to talk to me about his test results. He didn’t want me to freak out so he told me that everything looked really good except for his morphology rate. Only 1% of his swimmers morphed into working swimmers. The rest either had two heads, two tails, or just a head or just a tail. He stated that the doctor didn’t know why, but this was common in a lot of males. She stated that we better call CCRM if we wanted to conceive. When Mike told me this, I can’t explain how I felt. I got the answers that I requested, just not the ones that I wanted. I was devastated. Not only did I have a fertility issue, but Mike did to. I felt like someone put a knife in my heart. The one thing I wanted was going to be the one thing I couldn’t have. A baby for us might not be a possibility. I was numb to the world and angry.

My Hopes Were Up!

It was sometime around Christmas of 2009 when I really thought I was pregnant. We had been trying around six months to conceive a child. It was still pretty quiet to most of our friends that we were hoping to have a baby in the near term except for our close friends Steven and Venessa. See, Steven and Venessa were in the same boat that Mike and I were in. They too were trying to conceive their first child and they started around the same time that Mike and I did. So it was Christmas time and I was late. My last cycle was at the beginning of November and this was December 20th. I was sure that I was pregnant. I stopped drinking all caffeine and I didn’t dare go near sushi. I didn’t want to do anything to bad to happen to the little human being that was forming in my womb. I hadn’t taken a pregnancy test yet, because it was my understanding that the longer you waited after you were late the higher your HCG levels would be.

It was a Saturday night and we had met Steven and Venessa at Flat Irons Mall to do some last minute Christmas shopping, grab dinner and to see a movie. We decided to go to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner. I must have got up thirty times to go to the bathroom to check to see if I got my period. No period meant that “hey maybe I really am pregnant.” At dinner Venessa and I were talking about our hopes to be mommy soon and Steven and Mike were joking about how they weren’t sure if they were ready to by thrown into fatherhood.

A few days had passed and I decided that it was time to take a pregnancy test. I went to a local grocery store and bought the First Response test. I came home and read the directions and eventually peed on the stick. I waited the five minutes and sure thing there was only one line, which means I wasn’t pregnant. Ok I thought to myself, there is no baby on its way, or maybe my HCG levels just aren’t as high for the test to pick them up. We had our Christmas Party at work, at Lucky Strike. It was a great time with co-workers. It was towards the end of the party when one of the girls asked if she could buy me a drink and I said no and just looked at her. By this time to she was a little intoxicated and she said “OMG are you pregnant? I just smiled and tried to avoid the question. I went on throughout the party thinking to myself “I am so pregnant, I just so it.” So later that night I went to Target and I bought another box of pregnancy tests. I took the test and what do you know it was negative, just like the ten other tests that I took. This made no sense to me I was now weeks late and I still did not get my period and there was not one positive pregnancy tests.

I waited a couple of days, by that time Christmas had passed and I had a few days off from work. I believe I bought five more tests and used every single one and they were all negative. “Hmmmm”, I thought to myself, what is going on? I enjoyed my time off, but it was two days before New Year’s Eve that I got a text message from Venessa that said “I am pregnant.” Now I was extremely excited for my best friend, but deep down inside I was bummed for Mike and I that I didn’t have the same news for her. I of course told her that’s wonderful and that we were so happy for her and Steven, but my insides went to mush. I remember putting my running shoes on and taking off for a run. I think I might have run five miles that day. I just needed to clear my head digest the feelings that my best friend was pregnant and that I wasn’t. This isn’t how Venessa and I wanted things to be. We wanted to be pregnant at the same time, to go through all the hormones and growing bellies together. I wanted to experience the pregnancy with my best friend going through the same thing. A few days later I got my period. I was heartbroken. Life would go on though. 

Over the next few months my periods came and went and the word regular wasn’t part of them. Some months I was thirty days between my periods and some months I was 67 days apart. Every month that I was late I bought a pregnancy test only one line would to show up. A little side and funny note, there was one month that I was late and I didn’t want to spend a ton of money on the test, so I made Mike take me to the Dollar Store. Yes, the Dollar Store, where I got two for one tests for a dollar. I remember telling my co-worker and she just laughed. Buying a pregnancy test at a Dollar Store is like buying condoms there. It isn’t going to work! I am still remembered to this day and how I got two pregnancy tests for a buck!

I can’t explain to you the emotions that I experienced. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t get pregnant, or better yet why my cycle was so irregular. My friends would tell me that it was stress of my job and I would tell them that was impossible that I had been doing my job for years and it never effected my cycle. By February I couldn’t take it anymore I wanted answers. I made a regular doctor’s appointment with my primary care physician. I had my annual exam done and a blood pregnancy test done. The doctor said everything looked fine and she just thought stress was why my periods were off. I nodded and left. I didn’t feel like any of my fears were answered. I needed more information. It just didn’t seem right that for the past few months my cycles were off, and I needed some kind of diagnosis so I would stop spending fifty dollars a month on pregnancy tests. I was going to take matters into my own hands and find out what was going on with my body. I did some research on line and found the best OBGYN doctor in the Denver Metro Area and scheduled an appointment. If my PCP wasn’t going to get to the bottom of these issues, then I would find another doctor that would.

It's Time

At a very young age if you are a girl you, you get a baby doll before you can even walk. At such a young age you learn how to feed the baby, how to dress the baby, and how to change the baby. If you were one of the lucky ones like me, you even got the baby that pooped and peed. At such a young age you start to learn what it means to be a mommy. I remember when I was little I would stuff the baby doll up my shirt to make myself look like I was pregnant when my sister and I would play house. I would then pretend that I would go into labor and we have to go to the hospital to deliver the baby…I am sure that child birth in real life takes more than a few pushes and the baby comes out.

When I stopped playing with baby dolls I moved onto the next stage of life…teenage years. In that chapter of my life I didn’t play with the baby dolls I babysat the real deal. I will tell you that a real child was nothing like a baby doll. The real baby would cry, their poop would stink and yes the older ones could talk back. I still loved the kids and wouldn’t change them to go back to the baby doll years. Most of us girls out there wanted to be a mommy before we could even comprehend how to even make a baby.

For my husband and I it was the summer of 2009 that we decided to make the decision to start our family, or well maybe it was more me than him. I remember I wanted to have a baby and I wasn’t so sure Mike ready for the new chapter to begin. I took matters into my own hands and decided to skip a few pills. Mike came home one day…and he went to go use the bathroom and what did he find in the toilet a bunch of my birth control pills. He said “Honey, why is there a bowl full of birth control pills sitting in the bottom of the toilet?” I replied “Oooopps sorry love I forgot to flush, those are the pills that expired…wink, wink.” Ok I know what all of you are thinking, you can’t be devious like that it is soooo wrong. I would agree with you it was wrong. I finally sat down with Mike after that and stated that I was ready to expand our family. Mike made a few jokes to make light of what I just told him. Mike wasn’t so sure about the idea, he wanted to be a little more settled in life, and we hadn’t even been married for a year. Mike was worried about being stable and having a house. All those things didn’t matter to me; I wanted to share something amazing with him. By the end of the conversation Mike agreed that we could start trying but he wanted to take it slow. So that was it, we were going to try and have a baby. With Mike’s sense of humor, amazing talent and well my good looks, we were going to make the most beautiful baby.

The following month in September sometime, I was driving down to Canon City with my mother to visit my family and I was dying to tell someone that we were trying to have a baby and well I told my mom. I have never seen a smile on my mom’s face so big. She said so I might be a “Nee Nee soon”. That is what she wants to be called instead of Grandma and she has had that name picked out since my wedding shower. We are planners in my family, just in case you haven’t caught on to that by now. My mom and I spent the remaining car drive to my grandparent’s house talking about baby names and baby items. I was able to tell my mom all of my hopes and dreams about a future little one that Mike and I hoped to have in the near future.

My mom’s best advice that day was “don’t get your hopes up that you will get pregnant in the first few times because it takes time to make a baby and I don’t want you to get hurt every month when Aunt Flow comes around.” Boy does my mother know me well, and how couldn’t she, she did give birth to me after all. As I sat in the passenger seat I thought to myself no way would Mike and I have problems, we were meant to have children and share that one ultimate bond together. Little did I know that I was going to be so wrong.